If You Can't Say Anything Nice....

then come sit by me!

Working in cubicle hell, you end up hearing lots of conversations. Most of the time they wash over you, without notice or retention. But there is always that one coworker, the voice that you can't help but notice, the voice that will draw your attention, even when you would rather keep working. But you can't, since she's talking all.the.effing.time!

Cam and Sharon will instantly recognize whom I am berating. And in fairness, the reason I get so annoyed with her is not the tone of her voice, it's the consistent wandering around and chatting about things of no interest to me, while I'm trying to work. We've tried to be nice to her, and suggest she concentrate more on her work. And she supposedly tries to honor our work ethic by being less disruptive. Yet that only results in a disclaimer "I can't concentrate today" or "ok, I know I'm being annoying".

So before I ramble off in a totally different realm... back to the post at hand. The real intent of the post is to wonder (aloud) why society grabs onto some word or phrase and then shamelessly rides it for too long. I just had a visual flash of drunk sluts on male stripper night. Yikes!

"Amazing" -- the new "fabulous". Oh my gods, people... nothing is THAT amazing. Much less when you talk about clothes, hair, makeup, or food. This phrase especially annoys me when uttered by pretty young things. Honey, you're not old enough to experience much of anything. Your life has not provided enough comparison to determine whether any one thing is more "amazing" than the collective sum of your experiences.

"I know" -- now my parents' revenge is complete. I remember during my school years, SGM told me he hated me using that phrase. He said it was insolent, inferring that I as a child knew more than he, the adult. At the time, I probably blew it off and thought he was being a stupid adult.

But now, dear lord.... I realize EXACTLY how annoyed he was. My poor little monster has heard the "you DON'T know" speech already, and is trying to use the phrase less around me. He really is such a good and loving son. I'm so lucky.

Unfortunately, chatty annoying coworker woman has not gleaned such courtesy. And let me tell you, folks... "I know" is SO much more annoying when you hear it eighteen times a day. Especially since anything she does is quick to fuel my desire to smack her upside the head.

"I know" implies you have experienced the same exact feeling or situation as your dialogue partner. Or, it implies that your intellect is such that your knowlege base is superior. Neither of which is true for my poor coworker.

(sigh) The sad part is she just returned from a week's vacation. We won't get another break until she decides to go somewhere else, or I go to Phoenix in October. Although I've restrained myself from hurting her for several years now... trying to refrain for another month seems quite the task.

If I do, it would likely be amazing. You know?

Oy~!

Would You Trust These Guys With Your Car?

I don't know who broke up with whom... but I'm not sure where they found the current "Pimp My Ride" custom crew.



And although the leader guy looks a little too creepy Dave Navarro:


He's not as scary as this guy:


Though I guess in Spike's defense... he is part of a band. Guess he still has to keep his day job, eh?

No Surprise There

Compliments of Ms. ktbuffy

You and evil: where do you REALLY stand?

You're so evil, you belong in an evil petting zoo. It's time design your villain outfit, form an evil organization, and declare open war on the superhero of your choice.

Also, you're probably lots of fun to be around. Supervillains always are. They have style.

Your friend in Devilish is
Lanalee Tremone, demon diva.

Find out more at my site.


Take this quiz!








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Why Do Europe and Asia Get Cooler Gadgets?

... because I don't need an excuse to lose one more cute, yet unnecessary, electronic toy.

Beyond the whole "then I gotta go buy totally different media". Suckers.

Though, when it comes time for my "new every two"? I'm totally getting that Motorola Q. By then I'm hoping they aren't still $300.

Here's One for Missy

Because every girl loves a hottie. Especially if he's free!



Crown Center Free Friday Night Concerts
8 pm, Aug. 25
John Corbett
2450 Grand Blvd.
816-274-8444
www.crowncenter.com

And really... who doesn't love a reason for Crown Center? Then there's Union Station being so close....

Did I mention Science City?

Five More Years...

All the longer I have to deal with my exhusband. In his effort to be an asshole to me, pointing out my deficiencies as a parent, he makes my child feel inadequate. For this, I want to hurt him.

Especially since he (and his wife) say they are Christians and love Evan as much as their own children. I hope they are reminded of those declarations when they stand in judgment.

We have been divorced almost 10 years, and it's astonishing how little he's matured. It's especially frustrating, since he does and behaves just enough to keep me from winning sole custody.

Now all I want is my boy back tomorrow, away from him and the house of drama. And if my exhusband should fall upon bad luck, I wouldn't be sad for him. Jerk.

Bad to the T-Bone

Igor, have you seen this? The video feed is lame. But the audio isn't bad. I hadn't heard of this Fanclub show yet.

Those Schaumburg city boys bess remember they're in the 'dotte. We will throw DOWN!

And that sissy pitcher boy needs to be smacked around. Whoooper!

There Goes My BOGO

Worked at the shoe store last night. It was interesting. Everyone was pleasant enough, but it's been a long time since I was the new kid on the block. Given the job won't be too taxing, I cannot complain.

Besides, I have oodles of options for cute shoes! And it's coming into boot season. My inner dominatrix's favorite time of year!

Geek High Holy Days

(linky) Trekkies flock to Las Vegas for Star Trek convention

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Especially when it involves Tribbles and blue chics. Though now I wonder... what happens to the Andorians' antennae when they get really excited?

I Didn't Get Much Accomplished Last Night

... but the night did end up better than it started. CSIs were reruns, and I realized I missed Design Star last night!

Good lord, I wish they'd vote Temple off the show and be done with it! Donna at least has the good grace to not be rude. Temple is so arrogant, without the style to back up attitude. I'm sad to see the other twin brother gone. Now I'll have to root for Tym. Gay David seems too preoccupied with his own prettiness. It's a shame he is the most artistic. Maybe he'll take some pointers from Vern.


So what to my wandering eyes should appear?

Kingdom of Heaven with pretty Orlando Bloom.

Good thing I wasn't relying on historical accuracy. And apparently HBO was running the shortened distribution cut. But it was still entertaining. I remembered that I wanted to see it on the big screen. Guess it was a good thing I didn't pay full price. Eva Green is playing Vesper Lynd in the next Bond movie. Hopefully she'll show a little more acting range. But given she's to play the intoxicating, but unstable lover to forever haunt Bond... I doubt it. Oh well.

Pass The Alka-Seltzer

Disclaimer: Michelle, I didn't not invite you on purpose. It was just a different crowd! Next time up, it's just yous and me.

What a weekend. Between the social schedule and socializing sabbatical.. my stomach hurts. Oh well, means I have to stay up late and y'all get an update.

Friday: work during the day, and play all night. Dinner was good, way more food than I needed. The club was slow. But I did get to see friends of the Goddess, Sharleen and John, which was awesome. Friday night doesn't appear to be their busy night.

All the better, though, since I was yawning before midnight. Back to the hotel room for giggling and playing. My decision to not take the camera was not necessarily intentional... though it did prove to be prudent. I don't need those girls blackmailing me. Though I guess I could have taken pictures of them!

Had to take a bit more care getting around Saturday. A downhome breakfast always tastes better the morning after. A quick visit of Cheri's granddaughter, then I had to get home.

Went and completed initial paperwork to start my part-time gig at Payless on Wednesday. The two shifts I have to work this next week? One the night following the first day of school, and the other the afternoon/night of the 12-hour scrapbook crop. It would figure.

A quick visit out to the inlaws later Saturday afternoon, and my tail is dragging. But we're not done with the day! There's still a coworker's open house at 6 p.m. I took Evan to make an appearance... but after the guac and bean dip appetizer, it was all I could handle.

Monster boy is staying with us all week. So no early Sunday morning rush to get him ready for pickup. With a clear agenda, it made the perfect day for a road trip. The site was fun and informative... which will make for a good album layout.

You can tell the kids are bored when monster boy actually WANTS to go shopping for school supplies! After determining what was still needed, we braved Wal-Mart. No, I would not have gone there unless I REALLY had to! But Target nor Dillons will carry the Benadryl-D sinus pills. And after schleping around outdoors and a pressure system moving in.... the pills were REALLY necessary.

A hundred bucks (this week!) later... monster is ready for school and the house is ready for the week. Good thing we don't have this much excitement all the time!

He Wasn't Kidding

Our resident rockstar was cute Sunday night.... all excited about the Hall of Fame football. The unofficial start of season.

Now there's another preseason game on tonight. The first home Chiefs preseason game is still three weeks off! Oh well... means I don't have to babysit now until February. Yay, football!

Girls night in the city tomorrow night. I am so looking forward to it. As a proper hussy should... I have my naughty thong ready. Knotty handbag, and thong shoe, that is. They didnt' have an exact picture of the bag, though. It's actually just all cocoa suede, not two-tone.

In The Air Tonight

Anyone been to Miami Vice yet? Or Scoop? I wouldn't mind to see Scoop, other than I'd be wanting to go "Swedgin!" every time I hear Ian McShane's voice.

Now You Know

PS: It's Dodie's fault! Well, that, and the fact my boss left for the afternoon. Oh yeah, and I'm still a bit creeped out about the random poster from my previous entry.

Participate with me on this. It's actually quite interesting. I only sent this to folks whose answers are bound to be clever! This is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be LAME and spoil the fun! Just give in and do it. Copy, not forward, this entire e-mail and paste it into new email.

Change all the answers so that they apply to you then send this to a whole bunch of people you know *including* the person who sent it to you. Put your name in the subject. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. It is a fun and easy 50 questions to answer.

1. FIRST NAME: Lyndy
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My daddy, Lynn
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? A week ago Sunday-- I went to visit the Goddess' grave
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I'm getting there. Scrap book journaling has helped.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Salami
6. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Jeep 4 x 4-- Black, duh!
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Of course.. since I wouldn't want to NOT be friends with me (:::evil laughter::: mwahaha!)
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Well, at least a web log. I'm too paranoid to leave writings on paper around.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Um, well.... if you consider it a coping mechanism, is that considered "a lot"?
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I think so. Mom?
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Not voluntarily
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Kix, I suppose. There is a lot of cereal consumption in my house. I'm kind of burned-out on cereal options.
13 . DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Not a lot of my shoes untie... but usually yes.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I'm stronger than you think. Not that I'm necessarily proud of that fact.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Hmm, tough call. Usually the more chocolate involved, the better. And peanut butter, the crumbly Reese's kind.
16. SHOE SIZE? Anywhere from 7.5 wide to 8.5
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF: What happened to #17? One least favorite thing about me is that I notice small details, which derail my brain onto another track, which can then mean it takes me a bit to get rerouted.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Right now, Camille. Overall, my grandparents. All of them.
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Well, duh! Please give me affirmation I'm not the squirrelly-est person in my circle!
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Lime green shirt and black slacks. I forgot it was a free jeans day at work. : (
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Chocolate, duh! In my own defense...it was dessert, after lunch.
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Cubicle neighbors chattering over the wall.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black? Since I am the girl in... black?
25. What is your FAVORITE SMELL? Patchouli
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE? My scrap book mother DR-- calling to check in from CA.
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Hands or mouth, I suppose. Mainly it's just how they carry themselves.
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes! Although we don't get to see her as much as we'd like!
29. FAVORITE DRINK? Umm... don't know there is a favorite for all seasons and reasons. There's Diet Coke for work, lattes for days with the girls, margaritas for nights with the girls... and tea for weekends at home.
30. FAVORITE SPORT? Football and NCAA basketball. Most any sport is fun, too
31. FAVORITE PLACE TO VISIT? Anywhere I'm with friends, or not paying for it!
32. EYE COLOR? Blue
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Not often. I love my new frames!
34. FAVORITE FOOD? Hmm... again, depends on the season or reason. Love Asian foods, steak dinners with the parents, and pizza joints with my boys or the girls. The combo of pizza grease and estrogen is an AWESOME combination! At least, for everyone but our victims! ; )
35 . SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings. I don't like too scary of movies, or thrillers with children involved (like "The Ring")
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Full length: recent "Pirates" movie. Most recent viewing: last half of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" on cable.
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I already answered this! Some pervert wants to know what I'm wearing? Lime green shirt
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Usually winter. I don't like to be hot and not in a body of water.
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses!
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Just one? Probably brownies with vanilla ice cream.
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Anyone who won't get in trouble for goofing off at work.
42 . LEAST LIKELY? Anyone that has more important things to do than goof off at work!
43. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Need to start-- but it's going to be "Why Girls Are Weird" by Pamela Ribon.
44 WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Gel wrist rest, otherwise grey
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Football and HGTV's "Design Star". Bitchy Vanessa was booted, yay!
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Good music and the sound of my son laughing (hopefully not at me!).
47. ROLLING STONE OR BEATLES? Beatles. Mick Jagger creeps me out.
48. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? Heidelberg, Germany (thanks, honey!)
49. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? February 17, 1970, sometime in the morning in Topeka, KS
50. DO YOU HAVE PETS? I have a small animal that we are responsible for... a gerbil named Zero. You can't pet him, so I really don't consider him a pet. But he must like us, since he keeps holding on there.

Things Skippy Can't Do

This is not so current, but still funny. I didn't think the kid was for real, but apparently someone is interacting on a website: http://www.skippyslist.com/about.html

The Skippy List
Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz...what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? "Um....a rubber sheep...I can explain why that's there....")

To explain how I've stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly..... I'm funny, so they let me live.

The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army:

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.
38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.
142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.
144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red “Mike and Ike's” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.
154. Shouldn't treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get “that time of month”.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”
170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.
178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”.
179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

There Is No Justification

No one in the world needs another season of "Flavor of Love".

Much less a countdown timer ruining what could have been an otherwise enjoyable trip down memory lane during "I Love the 90s".

But almost as annoying are the Sunsilk queens and their annoying "Lust, Love, or Leave" critique of the Flav women. Sister, PLEASE! Have some dignity.